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January 29

Obligation

I feel that I have the obligation to update my space....though I've been updating my other blog pretty frequently. It's like I have two homes and I spent more time in one than the other. But still I need to renovate this old home so that visitors come here will have a hospitality experience.

I went back to China during the New Year, and I came back a little more than a week ago. I still have jet lag, because I still wish I was in China with my beloved family and friends. I've been spending most of the time of my days and night calling my family, chatting with my friends. I miss them. I call my mom everyday because I know that she got sick immediately after I came back to Canada. I hope she will feel better. I know that she is very attached to me, and me too.

While staying in China, I made a big decision of my life. I am so happy and so surprised at the same time.
I hope everything will work out.

October 30

Update

I haven't updated my space for a while. Because I've been paying a lot attention to other places.

I've been sick, still on medication now. But I feel better now, and I think I will recover soon.

My Co-op is going well and I've learnt what I need to learn. I am looking forward to get back to school and finish my degree. I hope I can graduate next summer, which means I should defend next spring.........

So I need a good schedule to let me keep up the pace with writing. My thesis is almost done, I hope to finish it before I leave for my Christmas holiday. But this may not be the case when my supervisor is too busy to response my email. However, i still need to write up my thesis and make myself ready for my defense next spring.

I am applying PR, but haven't file my application yet. I hope to get it done by the middle of November. I am taking my IELTS test next Saturday, so I am taking some of my spare time preparing for it. Winter is here, but we haven't changed the day light saving time yet. I am so looking forward to it, because I get up so late these days. BUt sadly, there is one more week to go, and I have to get up very early for mny IELTS test on Saturday----which really sucks!!! I hope I won't miss it or fall asleep during exam.

So much for now.

September 09

What a summer!

This summer has just went away, as I realized days became shorter and buses were more often delayed. It was hard for me to get up early, too.

I've been pretty happy lately. Don't have a good reason for this good mood. But I have one excuse. That is, I've been through a lot this summer, and I have just been over them. Although everything does not turn out to be exactly the way I wanted, I am still happy.

It's been a week, while walking alone the road, in a quiet neighbourhood, looking at the sky, the trees and the houses around, even looking at the crows flying towards one direction--maybe they are going home all together, I feel happy. I feel peaceful , joy and satisfied deep in my heart.

Sometimes I think, why crows are so different from humans? For humans, we don't go home together, we get together to play, do work and eat--maybe, but we go to our own home for rest afterwards. Crows are not, they search food, fly and maybe just hung around by themselves, but they go home with other crows.

I am still lost. I don't know exactly what I want in the near future, either have I a good plan. I was just following my steps. One of my best friends told me not to follow my steps, but my heart. I know what does she mean. But isn't what my heart wants is the same as what I am doing now, or simply because I have so many desires that I can't rank them? Why shouldn't I think the thing I am doing now is actually useful and interesting, and eventually it will take me to the destination I always longed for?

I am quite free now, I can make whatever decision I want (just don't piss my mom off). Maybe this is the reason why I am so lost, I have too many choices all of a sudden. I could do so many things in the future, because no one is important enough to influence my decison--personal wise.

But my lazyness, will just look for excuses to make me want to settle down anywhere I could be as soon as possible. It seems that I need guidance, here is where god wanna enter my life and tell me what to do? Should I let God do that? I don't even know him, sorry......

Leave me alone....lol...

I have a plan now, probably not perfect, but I like it. I won't tell you until I have accomplished it.

August 12

A date with the city

Being alone is not always great. When I have so much spare time on a weekend, I have to figure out what to do by myself.

Getting home pretty late from work on a Friday with an empty stomach, and I know I have nothing exciting at home to cook---didn't do the proper grocery for a while. What to do? I definitely don't wanna eat fast food or junk food, I wanna go to an resturant. Here is the problem, for a single person, should I just go to a small one and get something I usually eat, or should I treat myself and go to a fancy one. I like the latter idea. But walking by several fancy resturant, I didn't have the courage to get in. "People will stare at me, I will feel even more lonely there" I told myself. I turned back and decided to get into the smaller one, but the door was shut, people were still eating in---they are closing in 15 minutes. Oh, great! I feel even more hungry, so I didn't want to wait in line for another small resturant, though they have my favorite noodels. Finally, I got into this resturant, clean, not very fancy, but spacious in side. I had never been there, but I hoped it would surprise me with their food or sevice.

When I sat down, looking at the menu, I knew I would love it. There were such a variety of food on the menu: Pasta, noodles, rice, ribs, steak.....After a while, I decided to order the seafood curry with pasta, and their dessert of the day. I didn't ask about what kind of dessert it was, because I wanted a surprise. It was all good, curry were just spicy enough, seafood was fresh plenty. I had a plan immediately, ate half and left another half for lunch, so that I would enjoy the dessert and also had lunch for the next day. The dessert was icecream, I chose chocolate flavored. So it was just icecream...but fine, I haven't had any icecream for a month. When my chocolate icecream came, I tasted a little bit---so sweet! I tasted again, mmmm, yummy. After several spoons of chocolate icecream, I certainly felt happier. They say sweet things will give you a better mood, it's true.

Left the resturant, satisfied in the stomach and with a good mood, I feel I could do this again. It's such a great date with the city. Although I was a bit nervous and didn't know where to go & what to do at first, I find a place suits me perfectly.

July 03

7月初

我一次又一次提醒自己，该写六月的日志了。结果一直到现在，时间已经过去，六月再无法回来。

时间到底是怎样的东西。。。我坐在公车上有的时候就会愣愣地想----爱因斯坦的相对论----时空机器---时差？一片模糊。我想这么复杂的问题，不是用了纸和笔算一算就可以明了的。

至于时间，它可以改变一切。时间可以改变的东西，就是一去不复返的。有些东西，有些变化，非时间出马不可。我无法相信其他的东西可以代替时间。明天是什么样子,只有明天到了我才会知道。至于以往，我真的想有部时光机器，让我回去，改变一些决定。可是无法。

现在的我很好。承担着一切我做过的决定，好好的积极的生活着。搬家之后猫猫食欲不振，我只好再重新买罐头给他吃，给他的减肥计划也泡汤了，也还得我整个房间里都是猫罐头的香味儿。也许是天太热了，他总是睡懒觉。找个舒服的地方就睡下去了，我的床上，他的床上，还有我的椅子上，把腿一蜷，身子一栽，他就那么睡下了。爱死他了，嗬嗬，每次逛街的时候总想着给他买东西，每次下班回家的路上都想快点见到他，一到朋友家里坐一会儿就忐忑不安地急着回去看他。我想，不论我搬到哪里，我都不会舍得离开他。等到他老了，抛下他更是让我于心不忍。

但我有的时候是很冷血的......有舍才有得。不放下一些怎么能有新的自由？

March 29

又有一阵子了

一个月过去了，还真是没什么变化。

想做的事情永远都在我的脑袋里，计划永远是计划---我的意思是，我目前是只去想而不做。我再也不会受得了当初读本科的时候一周一考试的生活了！我再也难以想象研究生第二个学期每周写一篇论文的生活是如何被我挨过来的。就连现在，我看到自己这个电脑白吃写的长长的VB script的时候也不禁佩服自己当初是那样地勤奋而好学。。。。现在的我，仿佛是什么都懂了却不知道自己到底懂了什么。我只迫切地要结束自己的学生生涯，但是只在懒惰中希望，在计划中拖延时间，在想象中获得安慰。现在，我则无法想象，自己如何在4月中旬到8月初这段时间完成自己的论文，并且答辩？

研究了这么久，我还没有发现是什么真正的原因让我去主动做一件事。压力，那是必然的。但不如从前了，从前的我勤奋的很呢，因为压力也至少要留出一周的时间来复习或者写文章。而现在？难道是我发现自己的效率越来越高了，我总是流到要交差的前一天，总是要熬到凌晨4点之后。压力，不是让我按计划形式的动力。那到底是什么？我真不了解自己。不说这个了。

我今天做了两种我非常喜欢的小吃！酸辣粉和担担面。

酸辣粉一定要用红薯分来做，这样才有弹性和光滑，吃起来才有口感。好像正宗的酸辣分不应该放芝麻酱，但是我始终认为，芝麻酱，辣椒油和醋和出来的味道才能够勾起我的馋虫。

千万不要崇拜我，我绝不是个好的厨师，要说，也顶多是个美食家。。。。哈哈。我是因为馋，才会去研究做出自己梦里都想的味道！

February 03

调节一下

今天超级倒霉！

上过马路的时候，被汽车嘀了一下，震得我耳朵和嗓子都疼（最近嗓子疼）。

眼看着错过了一辆skytrain，等了10分钟才等到第二辆。结果车来了，停了十分钟都没走。最后我就上课迟到了15分钟。

这节课是一个新加坡裔的老教授，教我们健康风险评估（health risk assessment）.今天他讲到一个涉及到政治决策的参数。说道：“要是政府有钱，参数就可以设得很大，如果没钱，就要小一些。。。。要是中国－－－全部是零”作为一个中国人，我知道中国的环保比起加拿大，新加坡和日本都不如。不过他说这话，我不是很爱听。所以我就顺便回了一句：" I don't know about that".....然后呢，他就给我举松花江水污染的例子，说什么４个星期之后，政府官员就在电视上公开表示，水已经可以喝了。　［我们都知道，苯（一种引发肝癌污染物）是一种很顽固的污染物，不会在４个星期内被清理干净，尤其是一条河。］听着听着我都难受死了，哎。先不说政府的策略怎样，想到那些把污水当干净水喝的人们（我父母也在内哦），我就不能够再想下去了。当然，更糟糕的是，我多么害怕，这位教授说的都是事实以及事实的全部？

所以，回家填饱肚子以后，我第一件事就是搜索有关这场污染的新闻。　果然，是有很多不足。但是，政府并没有停止治理污水－－－这是好事。　但是我心里仍然好难受哦。当时课堂里只有３个人，一个加拿大人，一个印度人，还有一个就是我。看到他们朝我递来皮笑肉不笑的表情，瞪着大眼睛瞅我，好像是在可怜我，鄙视我，还是期待我有什么惊人的解释和辩护？我在那一刻及其难堪，恨不得今天早上的skytrain晚了２个小时。　我能怎么办呢？

一个弱小的我，学了满腔的有关毒理学的知识，什么, carcinogenic risk, toxicity, risk assessment, precautinary princeple....两年之前的我，信誓旦旦的说，回国，i wanna make a difference. 现在，我觉得，回去之后恐怕我也无用武之地。正如人们所说的，经济，决定一切。没有钱，只顾环保，那样就会关掉所有工厂。没有钱，我们回到原始社会，那样随之而来的就是侵略。　所以想让我学的东西在中国学以致用，　我想还有等一阵子。等我们更有钱了。　

今天这么沉重，这么倒霉。。。。我调节一下，把我的猫猫照片发上来。　

姓名：泛泛；　性别：男；年龄：3岁；未婚/已节育

December 11

"Happy Birthday" to myself

Why shouldn't I say " Happy Birthday" to myself?

I've been so moderate these years that I did not want to celebrate my birthday and let everyone know how happy I was....well, I shouldn't have done so.

I thought if people really really think I was great, they should have noticed and felt like saying happy birthday to me....and I had been waiting for every greeting for my birthday, sometimes I got lots, sometimes I got few, and one year, I didn't get a word.

But I still have those people, who will be my friends forever. No matter they remembered my birthday or not. Because it's just a day that sometimes people do forget when they have too much other things to think about. Suddenly I realized that being alive is not only a good thing for the people I love, but also is a great gift to myself. Because I can feel the friendship, love, care and passion from others only if I am alive.

I wanna thank myself for being alive for so long, being so brave that I have never given up life, even though I feel life is so bitter sometimes. I wanna thank my parents for giving birth to me and raising me for so long. I also wanna thank those friends who were there when I needed someone by my side......

December 08

冬天

我已经渐渐习惯了今年的冬天了。

习惯穿着羽绒服外出，不穿就会觉得很冷。腿上却还是夏天的装束，一条简单的牛仔裤。这是我在温哥华的冬天，第五个冬天。2002年11月30日，是我在温哥华的第一天，冬天。今天实验室里聚餐，导师问我离家几年，我答道：４年。

冬天，连我所听到的消息，都会让人觉得寒冷。前几天朋友告诉我我所熟悉的家庭发生的一场杀人事件，今天又得知一个韩国家庭被困在雪地里，父亲去求救被冻死的新闻。前一件事让我恶心了两天，后一条新闻虽只是在电脑和电视里看到，但也让我的胸口积聚了一团闷气。这是一个多事之冬，听到不幸的消息，也是我对自己的生活产生疑惑，甚至害怕。

因我觉得自己是着世界上的幸存者，如许多活着的人们一样。虽然灾难似乎离我们甚远，但是也不断的发生和为我们所知。于是回到老掉牙的话题上－－珍惜。

珍惜所有的一切，和我们的生命。不要委屈自己，不要患得患失。

October 22

红色

无聊在家，没能去划船。。。。。。Helen打来问候我是否好些。那个时候她们已经在水上漂了。恩，真好，下次一定要一起去。

换个背景吧，因为一直消极。想想火焰，应该可以激发一些我潜在的热情。比如，抓紧时间写好程序，写好论文。可那真是太遥远太遥远的事。

这样激进的颜色，我大概是从来不喜欢的。估计哪天我回到自己的空间，又会觉得走错了地方。

我心里大概有一团火的，但从未能够蔓延出来。我记得那个老师给我的评语，有“热情”这一项。然而，那也是仅有的一次。回想那个时候，也是我最开心的一段阿。有哭，有笑，勇于表露人前。那个时候，我会因为班里踢赢了一场足球比赛，而高兴得哭个不停。。。那个时候，是真正的我吧？

可我从来不喜欢红色，大概因为叛逆，也因为皮肤黑黑的，和红色不匹配。是因为红色讨厌我，我才讨厌红色的吧。我似乎从来不会主动厌恶一种事物。那么我和红色，是不是也应该到握手言和的时候了呢？

生活真的可以改变许多......我相信的。不过有很多时候，我们也可以选择如何去生活，虽有取舍。我大概会要在这个地方终老之死了，如果我一直这样消极，一成不变的生活。可以很快回到中国吗--那就一定是我疯了，背弃很多人的意愿，包括自己的。或者可以，呆上一阵子，再回到中国，再辗转回来或是永远居住在那里--这像是一个计划，一个理想的，有选择的计划。可是，我还是怕自己就这样消极的死在这里。换句话说，我其实最害怕的，是目前的消极。

August 08

回家

msn space好像快了。

我最近越来越想家。大概是快回去的原因吧。虽然具体的行程还没有定，但是在两周后出发已经是事实。回家要准备的许多事，我只是筹划着，还没有动身去做。深夜的时候就越难以入睡，睡着了也总是梦见家里的人和事。种种的原因，让我又有一年零8个月没有回家了。这次，似乎又和上次的感觉有些不同。相同的是，除去特别想见的朋友们外，我还是很想去那些熟悉的地方。不同的是，要面对许多明显的变化。那些需要做好心理准备去接受的，或许，还有一些不能预料的。

我还是不能停止伤感的情绪。这种感伤让我看到美丽的东西时会更加情不能自已。心像被捅破一样，稍一震颤，泪就流出。

不知何时，我跟自己约定不要想过远的未来。又是哪一天，和一位朋友偶尔说起，原来早就想明白的是，就是一提到将来就会心烦意乱。其实，我一直沉重的，不是担心，而是面对诸多的选择不知如何决定，还有迫切的希望奇迹的出现。可是一切都是复杂的。复杂的。。。

August 04

美丽的烟花

去年7月，美丽的烟火胜似鲜花。在天空中绽放并消失的那刻，让人欣喜又心碎。

今年7月，灿烂的烟花浪漫缤纷。不再试图留住瞬间，却只是幸福的仰望着。

昨夜烟花衬托新月，我却忘记了一直钟爱的月亮......

烟花太美，让人忘记所有的心事。烟花转瞬即逝，往往更惹人珍惜伤神。我却只感幸运，因为我可以拥有几次，因为可以与人分享，因为在人群中可以忘我，因为，很多。。。。。

明年还来，最后的也不要错过。

July 25

今天日记

其实最近心情很糟糕，只是今天才变得如此明显。

早上一开始就看谁不顺眼，甚至是每个人的眼神都让我感到讨厌。非常极端的心情，让自己不敢去承认。

回家之后，我决定暂时不吃晚饭，用零食填饱肚子。但后来也终究不饿，做的粥也变成了白米饭。还瀑了到处是水。我就知道一做粥就是这个效果。于是一边自言自语的嘟囔几句，一边擦干了水，就上楼了。

直到现在，我无法做出任何表情。在一场关心与否的争斗中，我输了。于是我只好逃回自己的世界。镜子里的自己告诉自己，其实都不知道该怎么做。有人说就要做自己，那才是美的，又说做得不够，于是抱怨。我大概就是如此的自我，习惯已经养成。我大概还没有勇气，也可能是天生的吧。不知道了。我没有办法，于是又要公平。为了公平......还是应该付出什么就得到什么？可是忽然间觉得疼，一阵。

我茫然的走着/悲伤的感觉随着/麻木的皮肤冒出的汗珠/溢出/我想逃离/却陷入另一种困境/心颤颤的/可是我决定/没有决定....

July 21

又到学期末

最近心里颇紧张，因为在有11天就到了课程的结束了。

也是很忙碌的，实际上还是可以学习的。只是，有更多美好的事情要去做，比如，烟花。7月26， 29 是温哥华一年一度的前两次烟花（8月2号和5号是后两次）如果没记错的话。而7月31号是我期末考试还有叫论文的日子。

去年的烟花好不快乐。记得也是我忙碌的时候，赶着论文，搬着家，但我还是十分十分高兴得看了后三次。

我要看烟花，坐在海滩上盯着天空，等待美丽的惊喜出现。好像瞬间的东西总是美丽的，好像美丽的东西都是短命的。我不想留住，只愿它常来，那我也不要错过，呵呵呵。

还有还有呢，再过一个月我就可以回家玩儿了。真的还是很激动的。虽然会留恋这里的一些朋友，但等我呀，我很快就会回来的！

June 27

我也需要自信

我没有勇气写下让人快乐的话语了。因为每次写了之后，就会马上变得悠伤。

虽然不断的收到快乐的信号，但是我还需要时间才能建立起那种信任，踏实的依赖。依赖从外界发出的快乐和依靠。总是怕在自己认为那是自己的东西的时候，它就溜走。总是怕自己太快乐的时候，悲伤就不欺而至。总是怕在觉得心安理得的时候，就会有人提醒我梦醒了。

需要时间慢慢习惯快乐的感觉，又怕习惯了之后会再失去。

我该怎么办？傻乎乎的吗？

June 22

冲突

悲伤和快乐的情绪交织在一起。

若因我的幸福给别人带来感伤，我也会悲伤，有了快乐的感觉就会觉得像在犯罪。

若我在幸福着，别人在受罪，我也觉得不安稳。

若我坐在温暖的饭店里享受美食，外边站着一个饥寒交迫的乞丐，我口中的饭就会无法下咽。

若世界上没有痛苦，那么如何知道什么是快乐？是不是人们就是要把快乐建立在痛苦之上？我现在的快乐是不是建立在别人的痛苦之上？可是我不是有意的。我很无辜。。。。我伸冤。

我感到满足，但并不代表我放弃我所有的东西，世界上孤独，受伤的，挨饿的人们都会得到拯救。世界性的问题，对我来说太尖端。我力所不能及的事情，还是不要太苛求自己。

别人快乐，我也会快乐。可是为什么，我快乐，别人会不快乐呢？

June 18

又见Brea

自从我毕业之后，虽然我和brea还在一个学校，我们见面的机会就有从前的一周三次，变成差不多一周一次了。brea曾经占据我生活中大部分的时间。不管是上学，还是课余生活，我差不多都会和她，或者是她和她的未婚夫在一起。不过，这还是去年圣诞节之前。今年，连brea也毕业了，我们相聚的机会就更少了。尽管，我们还像朋友一样的保持着联系，一般总是她电话给我，呵呵呵。我是个懒家伙。

最近的冰球比赛，上周她的毕业典礼，还有今天的生日，给我们很多见面的机会。让我最开心的，不是brea支持的oiler以4比0赢得了比赛。因为我不是冰球迷。我开心，是brea开心的刹那。是看到她捧着蛋糕等brain给他照相时露出的幸福微笑。当然，最最开心的，是看到她那些毕业典礼的照片。我是她唯一邀请的朋友，她高兴的时候我就站在她身边。

不过，我知道，我们的距离将会越来越远，最终有不同的生活，甚至在不同的国家。但我一直都会祝福她，虽然不会像现在一样时而见面。就像我曾经的很多朋友一样，虽然分别良久，还是彼此挂念对方。

对brea也有羡慕。羡慕她现在被家人包围，她有个体贴的，英俊的未婚夫，羡慕她会做她想做的一切事。我想，我羡慕她，就像她羡慕我一样吧，呵呵。